Dear Prospective Client,

It’s true: I’d really, really like to sign you up to join RIA, so that you can take advantage of the kick-ass software we’ve developed to make it uber-easy for diners to be so excited about you that they actually dine in your restaurant — and for the media to write about all of the ridiculously cool stuff you do to make your restaurant amazing.

I don’t want to deceive you, though. You should know up front that I am not the publicist for you if you still think a publicist’s job is any of the following:

Doing the amazing stuff for you. There will never be anyone more passionate than you are about your own success, so I would strongly caution you not to let me, or any other publicist, hijack your success. I can help you come up with great ideas, and I can help you share your ideas with the world, but I am not here to turn those ideas into reality. You tweet, you write your blog, you run your events, you manage your web site (or find a techy or admin-y type person to do it for you).

Making up shit to make you look better than you are. If there are fundamental problems with your restaurant, we can’t throw a PR masquerade ball and make it all go away. We’ll need to address those problems first, before any PR can make a difference.

Talking to the media for you. Though I can hold my own on many interesting topics — including, but not limited to, food, the restaurant business, PR, urban chicken farming, pickling, and junk shopping — I am not you. When reporters want to talk to you, 99 percent of the time they will accept no substitute. And I’ve never been good at impressions.

Writing reporters’ stories for them. I’ve learned a lot in 14 years in the business, and this is one of those truths: No matter how much sage I burn or hocus-pocus I conjure, I cannot control what the media writes or says any more than I can control what you cook.

Working miracles. If we hit it off, and you sign up, and then you do none of the things we discussed in our strategy session, well, see my point above, re: burning sage and spouting magic spells.

Being your shrink, sycophant, groupie, or cheerleader. I’m not here to make you feel better about or gloss over what’s going wrong in your business. That’s why you have parents, friends and significant others. If you want someone to boost your ego, hire your mom.

My role is to help you focus on what makes you and your restaurant amazing, and to provide you with a fantastic platform to help you get the word out. It’s a straightforward, but powerful, responsibility that I take quite seriously. (And did I mention that it’s really quite affordable?)

Thanks very much for your consideration. I do hope you join the ranks of RIA.

Sincerely,

Ellen Malloy